Monday, March 14, 2011

Unlikely Behavior: A Rant About Drugstore Eyeshadow


    Specifically Almay.

    Maybe I'm grumpy because the cats hid my glasses under their "pillow", under my desk where I like to write and I couldn't find them for thirty minutes. Maybe it's because I can't find one of my necklaces that I recently made (cats again?!?!) or maybe it's because it's pouring buckets and making my newly long hair act oddly.

    Or maybe it's because the new Almay Intense i-Color Smoky-i  eyeshadow kit I picked up at Walgreens sucks eggs.


    I picked this up against my better judgement because it was beautiful. I love silvery-taupey-purples, and while it's specifically for hazel eyes, I thought it would be lovely on my blue peepers as well. It's glistening, liquid-like sliver made my heart skip a beat. And the lighter taupe-y purple as a contrast seemed inspired. Maybe I was just in a really good mood at the time. I can't be sure.


    But what I can be sure of is that this eye shadow is a lie.

    I woke up, and instead of using my new Mally kit that came extra fast from the Q, I sprang out of bed because I wanted to try the beautiful Almay palette. I actually went to bed the night before looking forward to trying this Almay palette in the morning. Face prepped, eyes primed, I was ready to go.

     

    I put brush to shadow, swiped, and looked at my brush. Nothing was there. I brushed a little more, with a slightly heavier hand. The overspray seemed to evaporate from where I had touched the shadow, yet no color was on my brush. It was like trying to get pigment from a stone. It just wasn't working. I pushed down on the shadow, forcing bits of shadow on to my brush and success! My brush picked up something!

    Until I put it on my eyes. It was a muddy, blecky mess of un-color. Then, to humor myself, I added the middle shade, the light purple. It didn't have any color either. What did have a little was the highlight color, which looked murky, like warm death.

    Had I not been so annoyed, I would have taken a picture to show the trainwreck this shadow caused. Maybe I got a bad batch. Maybe all of their shadows FAIL THIS HARD. I don't know. I just know this was not WINNING.

    This shadow goes on my list of things I will never try again, along with one other cream eye shadow palette from Revlon. Ick. Save your money and run. And if you see that Elaine Irwin Mellencamp or Kate Hudson, tell them that they shill for a pack of lie-peddling shadowmakers.

    There. Now I feel better.

    I bought this and I'm taking it back. At least theyAlmay does have the good sense the gods gave a billy goat and don't test on animals.

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